My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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