Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
