Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
