i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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