i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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