arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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