No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
