why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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