so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
