So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
