god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
