Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
