Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
