I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
