You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
