I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
