what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
