and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
