Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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