The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize