i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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