Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
