I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
