that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
