i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
