I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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