Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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