So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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