there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
