What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
