what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize