I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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