I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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