I got chris browned last night
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
