OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Randomize
