I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
