Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
