i wish my penis had a tongue
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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