Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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