you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
