Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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