the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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