I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize