dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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