how can u be prego again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize