Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
