I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
