Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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