So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
