where am i from again
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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