you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
