Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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