im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
