I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
