She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
