I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Alive.
So much puke
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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