Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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