just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize