God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
