Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize