I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
