I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
