I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
