That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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