I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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